Swiftboating God

As Caribou Barbie was blasting Obama for knowing Ayers I was reminded of a poem I wrote last year saying no one is safe from negative campaigning.

God as the Presidential Candidate

My opponent, “God,” who didn’t even show up,
claims he’s an author of two best selling books,
The Old Testament and The New Testament
better knows as the “Bibles.”
As far as anyone can tell,
it’s a fiction, because
it lists no references.
There are doubts he
wrote the books as it
has so many ghostwriters.
These two books reveal
much about my opponent.
He claims he is not
only older than dirt,
but that he invented dirt.
The man claims he’s everywhere
at once and hears and sees everything.
That’s an amazing claim,
especially because no one ever sees him.
When anyone questions
God’s word about these Bibles,
we are told we don’t understand
because the ways of God are strange and mysterious.
What is written in the books is no mystery.
It’s there in black and white,
translated from the original Hebrew
for all to read.
God endorses high taxes
and big government.
He stated, “Render unto Caesar what is his.”
He’s an elitist that thinks
we should worship him
because he’s better than everyone else.
He claims he’s the one true God.
He feels we should kneel before him,
or, in the case of Catholics,
kneel, sit, stand, genuflect, kneels, sit, stand.
Speaking of Catholics,
God cut some kind
of deal with them to
promote eating fish on Fridays.
I suspect it’s because
of a lobby effort
on the part of Peter the fisherman
and his fishing corporation.
There was some bad blood
for awhile between Peter
and God’s son Jesus
because Jesus didn’t
buy fish from Peter’s family.
Jesus instead would buy
a couple of local fish
and magically turn
them into thousands
of fish to feed
his thousands of followers.
And what’s with
all the wine this family drinks?
These folks have a serious
problem with alcohol.
Jesus has gone so far
as claiming the wine
is his blood.
On another occasion,
God turned a river
into a river of blood.
Have these guys
never heard of the AIDs epidemic?
Talk about your family
values, God never married
Mary, the mother
of his only son.
He convinced a man named Joseph
to marry her so that God could
get out of paying child support.
On top of that,
when Jesus was 33,
God let him be
tortured and executed.
God’s followers
are so out there
that they claim Jesus rose from the dead
after three days in a tomb.
This shows God’s followers
are smoking more than incense
at their worshiping services.
Where was God’s family values when he not only
let, but encouraged Jesus to hang out with
prostitutes, beggars, thieves, and lepers?
Yet when it comes to other peoples
children, God encourages parents
to beat their children with rods,
and, in some cases, for parents
to sacrifice their children
on altars to God.
And talk about letting his
son hang around with the
dregs of the Earth,
look who God has for friends:
folks like Jim Jones, Pat Robertson,
Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart and Rev. Moon.
This “God” would be lousy on issues
of the economy. The friends of his I
just mentioned are constantly begging
for money in God’s name, so obviously
he can’t manage money and lives paycheck
to paycheck.
For God’s sake, er, excuse me.
For Pete’s sake, the man believes
in slavery, stating “Slaves, obey your masters.”
As far as being an environmentalist,
God is a pyromaniac,
constantly setting brushes on fire
and reigning down hurricanes, tornados,
and floods on us.
He even messed with Mother Nature
by parting the Red Sea and by flooding
the whole Earth.
He has spread socialism
through his son,
claiming the rich have
an obligation to help the poor.
He made anti-capitalist statements
claiming it would be
easier for a camel to pass
through the eye
of a needle than for
a rich man to enter Heaven.
The man has no compassion,
and has a mean-spirited sense of humor.
He once gave poor directions to a
man named Moses, and let him
wander aimlessly for 40 years in the desert.
He claims he’s opposed to gay marriages,
but he must be for incest.
how else would you
explain Adam and Eves’ Grandkids?
He claims he can be a full time president
because he never vacations or sleeps.
Yet he wants off every Sunday to rest.
The man believes in
Weapons of Mass Destruction.
He once equipped an army
with trumpets that were used
to knock down the walls of Jericho.
I haven’t even got to
what a flip-flopper God is.
In The Old Testament,
he’s an eye for an eye
fascist Lord of War, and
in The New Testament,
he’s the turn the other cheek,
beat your swords
into plows
Prince of Peace Hippie.
Talk about your Senators
missing from voting
on legislation,
God has a party
every Sunday to celebrate himself
where he serves cheap wine
and tasteless bread called Hosts.
Some host he is,
he never attends these gatherings,
yet claims he’s there in spirit.
God hopes you’re dumb enough
to vote for him.
He likes stupid people.
He once expelled Adam and Eve
from Paradise for seeking knowledge.
A lot of people in his party
are wise to him.
That’s why he barely
beat out the Golden Calf in the Primary.
I ask you not to be swayed by
his threats of Hellfire, brimstone, and Armageddon
if he is not elected.
I ask you to
cast your vote
for me.
Sure, God may have created the world,
but what has he done since?


Help refute the Ayers and Obama lies: Ayers Obama lies